Doll Face (Baby Doll #3) Page 16

  “Yeah, I did, Katie, I thought that what we had was something … that it meant something to you.” He looks up at me, and I step away from his grasp, leaving him kneeling on the ground. Desperate. He runs his hand over his head. “Why are you doing this?” He reaches for me, but I pull away.

  “Don’t.” I turn away from him, not wanting him to see me cry anymore. I don’t want him to know that this is killing me more than I ever thought possible.

  “Katie, at least, let me take you home,” he calls, but I keep walking, tears burning my skin as they fall down my cheeks.

  Opening the car door, I slide in the back next to my mother. She was right. What the hell am I doing? I need to get back to school get my life back together. And Adam Nash does not fit into my plan. My life is laid out in front of me; it’s smooth and I can see the horizon in the distant. The road with Adam is filled with twists and turns and uncertainty. There is no horizon in the distance, only more twisting roads.

  “You made the right choice, Katie,” my mother says next to me.

  As the car pulls away from Adam’s house, I watch him disappear in the review mirror. If I made the right choice, how come it feels like I’m dying?

  I beat on the door, not giving a shit that it’s two in the morning and just about every light is out in the building. The door swings open and a groggy looking Kiki in blue silk pajamas with matching blue eye shadow stands in the door. “Where is she?” I demand. He lets the door fall open the rest of the way.

  “Well hello to you, too, cowboy.” He pops his hip, bracing his other hand on the door. I know what’s about to come, I’ve seen plenty of girls take this stance before telling me off.

  “Save it. I know what this looks like, but it’s not what you think.”

  “Really?” He raises a perfectly arched eyebrow at me. “Because to me, it looks like you are desperate at two in the morning and waking the whole damn neighborhood.” Okay, so it is what it looks like, but I have to speak to her.

  “I have to see her. I have the right to at least defend myself, and if after she hears my side and she still wants nothing to do with me then fine … fine.” My words started off angry but ended in a plea. This can’t be the end, this cannot be how it ends for us.

  “Look, I want to help you. I mean, look at your cute self. You are every little gay boy’s wet dream, damp with sweat, desperate. But I can’t help you, she isn’t here.”

  “Please. Tell me where she is.”

  “Honey, go home.” Kiki shuts the door, leaving me staring at the back of the door. I lean against it, sliding to the ground. How could things go from zero to sixty so fast? Things seemed perfect, I can’t let this be the end. I will wait for her all night if I have to. Hell, if I have to wait for eternity, I will. Because, damn it, she is worth the wait … and the heartbreak.

  “He has been out there all night! Can you please go put that boy out of his misery?”

  I wrap my arms around my middle and slide down the front door, my back pressed firmly against it just like Adams.

  “I can’t, Kiki, it won’t work out, we are just too different. There is no possible way.”

  “Then go out there and tell him that, but don’t leave him sitting out there.”

  I press my eyes to my knees. I want to fall into myself and disappear from this world.

  “I tried, I can’t do it again.” If I have to face him and tell him that I don’t love him, I will shatter and blow away in the wind. My chest feels too tight, and the room spins. How can I deal with this? How can I deal with anything? No matter how many times I try to breathe, to focus on something solid I lose it, and I feel like I’m spinning out of control.

  “Katie, I get that this is hard, but he is not going to leave, and sooner or later you are going to have to see him. If not today, you have to go back to work you will see him there.”

  “Being a grown up sucks, this sucks. Life sucks.”

  “Yeah, sometimes life just sucks. But this is just a tiny part of a grander plan for you, and there will be more good times to outweigh the bad.” Smiling, Kiki reaches down for my hand.

  I take it, letting him pull me to my feet, and try to return the smile. “How do I look?”

  He lifts an eyebrow. “Like shit.” I put my hand on the door, to go out and face him all over again.

  When I open the door and step out, I find Adam sitting, his head hanging low. My chest aches, the sadness in me swelling bigger. Each breath I drag in burns my throat. Scorching tears build in my eyes until everything is a blur. My mind is racing a million miles an hour—jumping between begging Adam to forgive me and running as far away from him as I can. Damn it, I want to scream at the top of lungs. Damn it, damn it. I pull my hands into the sleeves of my shirt and grip the fabric in my fist as hard as I can. What was I thinking letting my guard down with Adam? I know better and still I was a stupid girl—I fell for the boy from the wrong side of the tracks. What did I expect? That I was different, that we could possibly live happily ever after? There are no happily ever after’s in this world; it is made up of tears and broken hearts of foolish girls lying to themselves that true love exists. Not me. No more.

  I sit down next to him, focusing on a spider web in the corner across from. “I love you.” His voice breaks. “I want to be more for you. I want you to be mine. We can do this, Katie.”

  “Adam, sometimes love just isn’t enough,” I say, thinking about how my mother loved my dad, but the dream was more important, and when he loved her back it was too late. Love wasn’t enough for Adam’s mother and father. Maybe love is just never enough no matter who the people are. I just learned it sooner than later.

  “It’s not that simple, Adam.”

  “Why? Why can’t it be that simple, Katie?”

  “I don’t know why, it just isn’t.”

  “Please don’t do this.”

  “Adam, you know as well as I do that this would never work. I’m just saving us more heartache for later on.”

  “Tell me that you don’t love me, tell me that these last few days were not everything to you as they were for me. Tell me that you truly don’t want to be with me and I will leave you alone.”

  I make the mistake of looking at Adam, his eyes rimmed in red. I didn’t know that a heart could break so many times and still have pieces left to break.

  “I wanted you to be the exception to the rule, Adam, I really did, but there are no exceptions. I don’t want to be with you, Adam. I don’t love you.”

  He doesn’t argue. Pushing himself up off the floor, he leaves. The floor falls out from under me and I’m falling, fast and hard. I want to run away, but I can’t move. Every part of me is destroyed.

  I don’t know how long I stay there, or when my legs move me back into the apartment. There is no going back now. I did what I had to do. I will never feel again; every part of me is numb and maybe that is for the better.

  “Oh, girl, you have been ugly crying. Oh and you’re not done yet! Come on, shut the door before the neighbors see and please don’t get snot on the carpet, Paul will kill you!” Grabbing my arm, Kiki pulls me the rest of the way in just as a fresh wave of tears come crashing down. I wipe at the snot that is running out of my nose with the back of my hand. “Here you go.” He hands me a tissue. “I called out of work. Momma Kiki is going to nurse you back.”

  After a marathon of two days of Dawson’s Creek and True Blood, and a few gallons of mint chocolate chip ice cream, I’m starting to feel like I can breathe again even though it still hurts all over. I called up Mr. Nash and quit—he didn’t sound shocked, and even though I told him I would return the car, he told me that I could make payments to him when I found a new job. I can’t believe he was so nice after I just ripped out his son’s heart and crushed it.

  The credits from the last episode of True Blood play on the screen and I’m ugly crying over Sookie and Bill. Kiki crawls out of our nest on the living room floor. “I need to get some real food into me. All this ice cream is not
sitting so well.”

  I groan, feeling a little sick myself.

  “Fine, but I can’t get dressed,” I warn. “Can’t Paul pick us something up after his shift?”

  “He doesn’t get off for another two hours and I’m starving now! Girl, I’m about to die.”

  The bar is sticky from probably years of alcohol being sloshed onto it, but I can’t seem to care. Kiki sure the hell doesn’t care as he slams back another shot, before sipping from a straw from his sex on the beach. We were only supposed to grab a few dozen hot wings and go, but while we waited, we ordered shots and here we still sit, in sweatpants drinking away my sorrows. A couple sways to the music that is coming out of the broken speakers of the jukebox. I guess you don’t come to a place like this for the décor, but for the sentimental behind it. Hell, Elvis could have come to this bar before he made it big; they have enough Elvis memorabilia on the wall. I try to find a picture that he signed, but there is none. It looks like the owner is just cheap with an unhealthy Elvis obsession.

  “Can we go home? I’m really not in the mood for this.” I spin in my wobbly stool to face Kiki.

  “Girl, the night is still young, and this is my song. Besides, our wings are not ready yet.” I frown at the Dixie Chicks song that plays. Every song that comes on is Kiki’s song when he is drinking.

  “Just two more songs, and if you are not having fun by then, we will leave. Cross my heart or may I eat a thousand Girl Scout cookies if I lie and gain an unattractive muffin top and a lumpy ass.” He crosses himself.

  “Fine,” I roll my eyes, “whatever. But only two songs and then we leave, wings or no wings.”

  “You’re the bestie best I could have.” He jumps up, kissing my forehead before he shimmies out to the dance floor.

  “Can I have a beer?” I call down to the bartender who is busy not cleaning glasses or making drinks—he is leaned up against the counter on his phone. He sighs before pouring me a beer that is half foam, but I don’t care because I didn’t come here to drink. In fact, I don’t know why I agreed to come here in the first place. The last time I was at a bar I got mixed up with Adam, and now all I want to do is forget him and remember every part of him at the same time. Why and how did my life get so screwed up? Oh, that’s right, my parents.

  “Looks like you are having a rough day,” a gravelly voice next to me says, and I groan internally. The last thing I need is to do is be hit on by some drunk guy. I didn't even know when the seat next to me became occupied. I turn to tell the guy to get lost, but stop, mouth open. He doesn’t look like some sleazy bar goer. In fact, quite the opposite. He has on a suit—his blazer is folded up neatly across his lap, and his fitted shirt is rolled up to the elbows. He is clean shaven with dark hair combed neatly to the side; he looks like every girl’s fantasy, and every parents dream. The complete opposite of Adam Nash. I don’t know if it is the thought of Adam or this clean shaven gentleman next to me that encourages me to break. I couldn’t stop it if I tried; my lip quivers and tears spring to my eyes as if on command. “I am. I really am, but try like a really bad last two months.”

  I tell Mr. Clean Cut everything—from my parents losing it all to not having the money to pay for school, to every last detail of Adam and our complicated relationship. After the storm clears and I blink through the tears, he is still sitting there, listening with a smile on his face. I didn’t chase him away, he is still here, after all, that. Not only do I sound crazy, I look it, too. Suddenly aware that I’m wearing sweatpants and a baggy T-shirt with no bra on. I smooth back my hair. When was the last time I brushed my teeth?

  “I sound crazy.” I hiccup.

  He hands me a napkin from under his drink. “No, you sound broken-hearted. Let me buy you a drink, you could use it after the time you have been having.” He smiles. I don’t say anything, just stare at him. He orders us two more beers, and I drink it without even saying thanks. The cold liquid washes away the tears … or maybe it’s I just don’t have any left.

  “So, Ryan, enough about me and my depressing life, what about you?” I listen as he tells me about his work and his life, and orders us a few more rounds. Each batch of beer pushes Adam’s face further from my mind. I will have to thank Kiki because this is exactly what I needed.

  “You need to this,” James says as I stand outside the little back town bar. Why he chose to come to this dump is beyond me, but I have a hunch that there is no chance in hell that Katie would ever bring her stuck-up ass here. Her perfect, tight ass …

  “You know what, you’re right.” I push past him and into the dump. This is what I need to forget about her, to move on, I will never be what she needs or wants, so why try? Hell, maybe I will even get laid tonight. I could call Karly, she is always good for that. In fact, I will call her right now … I pick up my phone to dial her number but drop it when I see her.

  “Ahhh hell,” James mutters next to me. My feet are moving before my mind starts working. I’m like an animal—nothing but pure testosterone and rage coursing through my veins—and my mind turns off all reasoning. I have the pretty boy off his seat and on the floor, my fist pummeling into his face. Everything around us is gone to a blur, it’s just me and my anger and hurt. It’s just him and me, and the image of his hand on my girl and her laughing.

  I’m yanked off of pretty boy and shoved up against a wall; it’s James who has me pinned. Suddenly, the scene flashes back into focus. Pretty boy is bleeding from his nose onto his fucking expensive ass shirt, which would probably cost me a whole paycheck to afford a shirt like that. Fuck. Katie is helping him up, and the guy behind the bar is on the phone probably with the police, but I don’t give a shit. I try to shove James out of the way, but he slams me against the wall, keeping me there.

  After Katie helps douche boy to his feet, she comes at me. She is pissed. “This is what I’m talking about, Adam.” She pulls at James, who lets me go. Pussy.

  “Katie … I’m sorry. I didn’t think. I just saw you with him and I reacted. I lost my fucking mind. Hell, I have been losing my fucking mind since you told me you don’t want to be with me. You’re fucking killing me, Katie.”

  “That’s what you do.” She hits me on the shoulder over and over again as she yells at me. “You never think. I want a guy who thinks first, reacts later. You know what? We are done for good. There is no way in hell that I would even consider getting back with an asshole like you. Don’t ever call me … better yet, don’t ever think of me. Forget we ever meet. Forget everything we had.” She walks away.

  But how can I do that? How can I forget about her, the girl who changed my life, the girl who makes me want to be better? “I can’t do that,” I shout after her. “Ask me anything else and I will do it, but don’t ask me to act like we never met, like what we have isn’t something special, something magical. Because I know you feel it, too, Katie.”

  She stops and her back goes rigid. Now I know I struck a nerve; she feels something for me. She spins and storms back. “Don’t ever speak to me again, Adam Nash,” she says, and then grabs her purse before helping the pretty boy out of the door as flashing red and blue lights dance off the broken glass of the bar.

  I ride to the hospital with Ryan as the EMT presses gauze to his bleeding nose. All I can say is how sorry I am and what an asshole Adam was, and this is exactly the sort of behavior behind my reasoning of not going out with him. After what have must be my thousandth time saying this, Ryan reaches out for my hand as they lift him out of the ambulance.

  “Oh, God, here I’m rambling about my problems when you have a broken nose, and it’s all my fault. You must hate me,” I wail.

  “Actually, the opposite. If he would do this to me for just for talking to you, you must be worth it. I just wish I found you first.”

  I walk in to the emergency room with him. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean he obviously loves you.”

  I snort. “The only thing Adam Nash loves is himself.” And I know this is a lie as I say it. N
o one has ever loved me the way Adam loves me.

  “That is not true, and I have the bruises and broken nose to prove it.” He points to his face. Groaning, he pulls something out of his shirt pocket. “Look, if it doesn’t work out between the two of you, which I doubt, give me a call. I would love to take you out sometime, but you are not over Adam and he clearly is not over you.” I take the card and stare at the dark blue lettering: Ryan Smith, Attorney at Law. I swallow hard and look back up at Ryan. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to press charges.

  I swallow back tears that burn at the back of my throat.

  “Thank you,” I whisper, not deserving his kindness. I let go of his hand because there is not anything left to say to Ryan.

  “Katie,” he calls to me as they wheel him back to the rooms. I look up at him. “It was a pleasure meeting you.”

  Those words make it so much harder doing what I’m doing now. Ryan is everything I dreamed for myself, he should be the one I’m comforting, But it’s Adam who I want, no matter how mad I am at him—and I’m fuming—he is the one that I want.

  Adam was bailed out last night, but never went home. He doesn’t answer my calls or texts. I know where he is, I just hope that it’s not too late. I look through the cloud of dust, searching for him. He has to be here, I need to tell him what a mistake I made, that he was right about everything, and I was so wrong. Oh God, I was wrong. I want to fix this. When the dust begins to settle, I can make out a person in the distance, dressed in full motorcycle gear and a helmet sitting on top of an orange and black dirt bike. My heart picks up as I race toward him. Adam. Adam. Adam.

  But the closer I get I can see that it’s not him. The person is built wrong; skinnier, shorter. My heart aches with each beat, the excitement quickly replaced with sadness. I still walk toward the person, my feet hoping beyond hope that it will be him and I can throw myself into his arms and fix everything I broke between us.